If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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