I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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