So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Randomize
