Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
