i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
