that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
and you fell through a lawn chair
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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