Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just cropdusted the office
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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