sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Even my vagina gasped.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
