If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
