Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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