I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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