there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Randomize
