I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
