I think I won the penis lottery.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
