Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
