I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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