All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
