The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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