yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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