You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
