I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
