As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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