Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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