is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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