I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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