before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
