I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just invented taco cereal.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
