it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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