I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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