i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
