the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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