The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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