I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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