My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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