Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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