I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
