Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
