someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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