I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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