oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
All I want is dick and wine.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
