so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
