I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
