I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize
