the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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