So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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