Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
