I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
