whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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