I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
