So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
