I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
