She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
