I am midnight drunk by noon
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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