but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
