Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
