she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
