you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You have to summon your inner elephant
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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