i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
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