Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I want a musical about memes.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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